


Regina Mills is NOT a Sexy French Maid

by Trinadecker



Series: Once Upon a Crackfest [2]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Crack, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-06
Updated: 2014-07-06
Packaged: 2018-02-07 16:42:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1906320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trinadecker/pseuds/Trinadecker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Part 2 to the "Spiders and Charmings" fic. In which Snow and David are actually both attracted to Regina, Emma isn't afraid to call them out on it, Regina finds everything hilarious, and Henry gets scarred for life. Because this time it's not Spiders on the TV -- It's Swingtown.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Regina Mills is NOT a Sexy French Maid

**Author's Note:**

> This is pretty much unedited right now, so please forgive any mistakes!

Regina returned to the apartment the next day to drop off Henry. She and Emma had an arrangement--Henry would switch between their houses every three days. That way they got an equal amount of time with him, and they each got a somewhat equal amount of Saturdays. It was now Emma’s day, and despite the disaster that was the last time she’d come over, she found herself tempted by the mysterious TV set. And so she brought Henry to Snow’s tiny apartment rather than having his other mother come pick him up from the mansion.

She took a breath before knocking on the door, hoping desperately that Snow wouldn’t be home. 

Of course, no such luck. 

The pixie-haired woman was the one to answer the door, her eyes falling immediately on Henry and ushering him inside. She was a little more hesitant with Regina, but after a moment she opened the door wider and smiled. Regina reluctantly took the offer.

She entered the room cautiously, slightly afraid of what she would find after the way her last encounter with the Charmings went. Henry had already moved to the other room to watch tv with Emma, who was already seated on the couch. She thought about calling out and stopping him, just in case the shitty arachnid movie appeared again, but she decided against it. The movie was obviously a poorly written C horror movie, but she supposed it wouldn't do him any harm to watch it. He was a little too old to be scared by the sub-par special effects, and with all he'd been through, she really didn't think seeing his mother on television would be all that weird to him. 

"So," Regina started, leaning on the bar that separated her from Snow, who had gone back to cooking up pancakes on the stove. "Have you figured out what happened last week? With the television?" 

Snow shrugged. "Sorry, Regina. Nothing yet." Her expression slowly morphed into one of horror. "But I hope we figure it out soon. Then we can talk to Emma about this whole...pornography issue." 

Regina rolled her eyes but decided not to push the issue. The woman was stubborn, and she didn't really feel like dealing with her former stepdaughter. Snow opened her mouth to continue but Regina was saved by Henry's shouting. 

"Oh my god! No!" 

She whipped around to see Henry in front of the TV, a hand set firmly over his eyes. "Henry, what's wrong?" 

"I am never going to be able to get that image out of my mind! Gross!" He called. 

"What image?" Regina walked around so that she could see the television screen. "Oh, jesus christ." 

"I think it's time for you to put that camera down and," The woman on the tv purred, adopting a French accent, "throw me on ze couch." 

"Wow." Emma mumbled. "Henry, go to your room." The kid, thankfully, obeyed, removing his hand from his eyes only to make sure he didn't hit anything as he ran from the room. 

"You're kidding me," Was all Regina could say. A quick glance at Snow White found that her skin had paled enough to match her name. “What the hell is that?” 

“Are you going to say that every time you see yourself on the tv?” Emma sassed from her position on the couch. She poked her head up so that it was just visible above the back of the sofa. 

“You know what, yeah, I am.” Regina put her hands on her hips. “This is a little weird for me, as you might expect.” 

"It’s not that weird for me. Not weird at all. Regina?" Emma called. 

"What?" She replied reluctantly, not sure she wanted to hear what the blonde had to say if it was anything like her commentary last time. "If you say anything about my boobs, I will choke you from here. Don't think I won't just because Henry's in the building." 

Emma turned, her mouth twitching upwards. "It's not about your boobs. Not really." She turned back to the screen. "I was just going to say that it zoomed in on your butt when the scene started. I think I like that better than your chest." 

"What?!" Snow cried, nearly dropping the pancake she was moving onto a plate. "Emma, stop saying things like that!" 

"Why?" 

"Because! She's your grandmother, we've been over this!" 

Emma turned again and rolled her eyes. "You're right, we have been over this, and we're not related! I never grew up with her! Physically, we're the same age, and she's hot as hell. I'll say it if I want to say it." 

"Do I get a say in this?" Regina asked, one hand resting on her hip. "Because I'd prefer if you didn't comment on my body at all." Well, okay, that was a lie. She'd like Emma to comment on her body. She'd like Emma to say a _lot_ of things about her body. She'd also like Emma to do a lot of things to her body. It was just that it'd be a hell of a lot better if her uncharming parents and, for god's sakes, their _son_ weren't around. 

Emma raked her eyes across the brunette's body, then turned back to the tv, and then back to Regina. "I think...hmm." She did one last rotation. "I think you actually look just as good in your mayor suits as you do in that maid outfit. If not better." She nodded decisively. "Yeah, better." 

"Dear god," David mumbled, beating Regina to the exasperated comment and dropping his head into a hand. "I think we all need a break from the television. Let's just...turn it off." 

"Please," Regina breathed. 

"Regina, why are you on tv in that outfit? Are you doing porn on the side?" Snow asked, a tremble in her voice. Before Regina could reply with what would no doubt be a biting comment, the pixie haired woman clutched a hand over her heart and leaned backwards on the countertop. "Oh god. Emma watches porn. Emma, are you watching Regina porn?!"

"No mom, I am not watching Regina porn!" Emma stood up, walking around the couch to join the rest of them in the kitchen. She bit her lip, sliding into a stool at the bar. "Though I wouldn't mind some if it's out there." 

"Emma!" All three at once. 

"What?!" She threw her hands up in a gesture of innocence. "She's hot! You all know it!" Three stares. She sighed. "Mom, you told me you had a crush on her when you were a teenager, and Dad told me he would have slept with her if he'd gotten the chance before he met you! We're all into her, it's okay!" 

"Speak for yourself," Regina snapped. "I for one am not okay with this." 

"Oh please, Regina." David smirked. "You've tried to seduce me at least four times since we first met." 

"What?!" Snow looked as if she might faint. "Regina, stop trying to seduce my family." 

"Mmm...no." She raised an eyebrow at the furious look it earned her. "I may not like the thought of you all looking at me that way, but what better way to get my revenge than corrupt your loved ones?" She paused. "You had a crush on me when you were a teenager? I guess that explains why you always lingered in my chambers." 

Snow's cheeks flushed a deep red. "I was young and confused, I--It wasn't right!" 

"Sure it wasn't. It's also hilarious." Regina's smile widened. "And you, Prince," She added, turning to David. "You actually did want to sleep with me? That's great." 

"It's not great!" Snow turned desperately to her husband. "None of this is great!" She paused, flustered. "Can we forget about the crushes? David, our daughter is watching Regina porn! I don't want our daughter to be watching Regina porn!" 

David turned to his daughter and put on his best fatherly face. "Emma, your mother and I are concerned about your...sexual habits." He ran a hand over his chin. "Now, if you're having… _thoughts_ about Regina, that's okay. But we think you should talk about them. Your mother is right after all; Regina _is_ technically your grandmother." 

Emma groaned and dropped her head into her hands. "Technically! Technically, she's my step grandmother. Technically, we aren't even related. I didn't grow up with her. I only just now got to know her. We've been over this. It's not incest if we're not related." 

"Is anyone going to turn the tv off?" Henry's voice sounded from the other room, cutting into the conversation. "Because I can still hear it from in here and I really don't want to!"

"Sorry Henry," Regina called, moving from her spot at the counter to hit the power button on the tv. As soon as the background noise of the show -- Swingtown, according to the info button -- died out, Snow resumed her babbling. 

"Emma, it's inappropriate--"

"Actually, Snow," Regina broke in, "I agree with the girl. It's a lot less twisted than you having a crush on me, that's for sure. If anything were to happen between Emma and myself it wouldn't qualify as incestuous, and it certainly wouldn't be any of your business." 

"So does that mean something might happen between us?" Emma asked, brightening visibly at the thought. "Because you know, last time you were here we were talking about your boobs, and you said I could appreciate them later." 

"I never said when later was," she snapped, at the same time Snow cried "No!" 

"I think maybe we should give them some alone time," David said, turning his attention to his wife. He leaned forward so that he was bent close to her ear. "They're flirting," He explained in a hushed tone. Regina rolled her eyes as Snow's widened. 

"David, I don't think..." Snow began to protest but David murmured something much less audible in her ear and she paled, finally nodding. "Okay, okay. Yeah." She turned towards Emma and Regina as if they hadn't witnessed the exchange. "Emma, your father and I are going to go out, and we're going to take Henry with us. We want you two to resolve this...thing between you." She nodded more to herself than to anyone else, and with another whispered "yes." and a nod of her head, she called for Henry and the three were out the door, leaving Emma and Regina with the apartment to themselves. 

"Soooooo." Emma risked a glance at the other woman. "We're alone now." 

Regina eyed her. "Indeed we are, Miss Swan." 

The blonde gave her a sheepish look, sinking farther into her seat at the bar. "So...sorry about all that." 

Regina only raised an eyebrow. 

"I, um, think we freaked them out a little," She tried, a smile quirking at her lips. 

"I think you're right," Regina replied, a smirk of her own appearing on her face. A short silence fell, but she was the one to break it. "Miss Swan?" 

"Yeah?" 

"We're alone." 

A glint of hope flashed in Emma's eyes. "Yeah." 

Regina let the smirk grow into a devilish smile. "What do you want to do about that?" She tilted her head. "Because, you know, in the spiders movie? She definitely had a bra on. Aren't you curious about what I really look like without one?"

Emma shot out of her chair, stepping into Regina's personal space without wasting any time. "Oh hell, yeah." 


End file.
